Emotional Labor: What It Is and Why It Hurts

Published on April 29, 2025

by Kate Holmes

You remember birthdays, smooth over conflicts, manage the tone of emails, and make others feel heard—even when you’re exhausted. That’s not just being kind. It’s emotional labor.

For smart women especially, emotional labor often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. But that doesn’t make it any less real—or any less exhausting. Let’s break down what it is, how it shows up, and why it matters.

Step 1: Understand the Definition

Emotional labor is the often invisible effort of managing emotions—your own and others’—to keep environments smooth and comfortable.

Common examples of emotional labor at work and home:

Soothing tension in meetings or family settings
Writing polite emails that manage tone and ego
Anticipating others’ emotional needs before they ask
Being the default listener or emotional buffer

Step 2: Notice Who Carries It Most

Emotional labor tends to fall disproportionately on women, especially in mixed-gender workplaces and households. It’s often expected, not acknowledged.

Clues that you’re the emotional labor go-to:

You’re called the ‘team mom’ or ‘glue’ but not promoted
People come to you to vent—but not to collaborate
You spend energy worrying how others will react
You’re praised for being ‘calm’ even when you’re overextended

Step 3: Recognize the Hidden Cost

It may not show up in your job description or paycheck, but emotional labor drains cognitive, physical, and emotional energy.

Here’s how it affects you over time:

Mental fatigue and burnout despite ‘not doing much’
Irritability or resentment without clear reason
Difficulty focusing on your own goals
Feeling responsible for everyone else’s comfort

Step 4: Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Healthy relationships and workplaces should share emotional labor—not pile it on one person. Boundaries aren’t rejection; they’re rebalancing.

Ways to create more balance in your role:

Pause before offering emotional help—ask if it’s needed
Say ‘I’m not in a space to hold this right now’
Ask others to self-regulate instead of managing their moods
Propose that emotional tasks be rotated or acknowledged

Step 5: Start Naming It Out Loud

The first step to rebalancing emotional labor is naming it. Once you see it, you can address it directly and clearly.

Ways to bring emotional labor into the conversation:

Mention it in team reviews or retrospectives
Reflect on it in personal relationships: ‘I feel like I’m holding all the emotional weight’
Use specific examples and impact statements
Frame it as a shared responsibility—not blame

Mindset Shifts That Change Everything

Being emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean being everyone’s emotional janitor. Smart women learn to protect their capacity while still showing care.

It’s not selfish to ask for support—it’s strategic. And it’s not rude to stop cushioning everyone else at the expense of yourself.

Try This Instead

Here’s how to shift from overfunctioning to shared responsibility:

Instead of ‘It’s fine’ → ‘This dynamic isn’t sustainable for me’
Instead of silent resentment → clear requests
Instead of taking on others’ moods → model boundaries
Instead of always being the fixer → ask others to contribute
Instead of assuming responsibility → evaluate mutual effort

Takeaway

Emotional labor is real, heavy, and often invisible. When you start to see it, name it, and share it, you create space for a more fair, functional, and fulfilling life. You don’t have to carry it all alone—and you shouldn’t.